The streets, bars, restaurants and casinos are filled with opportunistic women looking to improve their fortunes.   Come to think of it, there were a lot of women there who would never consider their gold-digging searches for rich men akin to prostitution, but in one way or another, it seems that there is a cost to everything we do.   Hmmm, it gives one pause for thought on a subject that may not be appropriate for this forum.

I was at a table where a very elderly gentleman was being charmed by a young lady who was about one-quarter of his age.  Her hands, lips, and arms were all over him as the evening progressed.   She kept saying, “I’m going to marry you…let’s get married tomorrow…I’ll make you really, really happy…I’ll do anything you want, just ask.”  After about the thirtieth time she said that, be replied, “Honey, you can do one thing for me.  Stop stepping on my oxygen-hose, because then I’ll be really, really dead.”   I chuckled at the irony, and proceeded to throw a reasonably good hand.

There are patterns that certain women follow as they seek to better their lot in life.  I understand the motivation, but the methods are so transparent, you would think that they would be more subtle.  As far as patterns in craps are concerned, they seem a little easier to understand than women.

We want to be the only ones to detect an anomaly amongst the numbers that are tossed by random-rollers.  Some people chart dice-results furtively and secretly, so the casinos won't get wise and take countermeasures.   Others do it openly in big binders.  I mention this because the Casino du Monte Carlo has the highest population of dice-charting players that I have ever seen.  If there wasn’t a Formula One Grand Prix race in town, I would have been positive that there was a Dice Table-Charting convention in full-swing. 

Several dealers told me that the number of charters wasn’t that unusual, and that the players from Germany wouldn’t even consider playing the game if it weren’t for charting.

Many patrons came equipped with small hand-held computers similar to the one that I use to keep track of certain “sweet spots” on various craps tables around the world.  They use those computers to determine trends at the tables and to predict upcoming rolls.  This information is used to determine their next type and series of bets.

I sat down with several different groups of the “computer-charters” during my stay at L’Hermitage Hotel there.  Language was not as big of a problem as I initially thought it would be.   My German was non-existent, and their English was flawless.  Their computer formulas were complex. They were convinced that there were discernable patterns, and only sophisticated computer software could find and exploit them.   A couple of them actually traveled the world and fed the roll results through a Fourier Analyzer.  They said that “regularities” buried in the results would yield to their software, and surrender betting procedures that would turn a profit.

I asked how the results had been so far.  They said that they had only been at it for three months, and that so far the losses had outstripped the profits by a large margin.  Their collective family inheritances had shrunk considerably.  They were quick to add that, “…just because there has been no profit, doesn’t mean that the program doesn’t work. It just means that it hasn’t been debugged and refined enough.” I did mention Precision-Shooting, which they attacked as meaningless and hopeless.  I wondered silently exactly what they thought their method was…the Holy Grail?

During race qualifying on Saturday, I sat down with another chap at the Tip Top Pub who said, “The first three days that I used my computer, I was ready to mortgage the farm.  I would hang around a table and bet in synch with the cycles to catch hot trends. Happily, I was in another country from the mortgage office during that period.  The more times that I used the program, more patterns would emerge, but they were always different. I learned a lot. So now I wait until someone has a good roll of at least 20 numbers, then I use a progression on the “Big Red” to bet against him.   It always works.”  I thought to myself that it would always work because a hand always ends with a “7”, but the progression might bump into the table limit before that occurs.  He said that he hadn’t run into that yet, and didn’t expect to.

It seemed that nearly everyone I met in the casinos was using a “system” with which to bet.

As the Sunday race approached, the tempo of activities increases even more.  There were endless parties that only started to break up at mid-morning, and topless sun-bathing galore.   There were processions of countless cover-girl type models of every nationality, and cavalcades of the rarest vehicles I’ve ever seen being driven with total abandon and wanton disrespect on Avenue Princess Grace.  There were rock stars, opera divas, movie actors and other famous faces, and we were all holding free-flowing glasses of vintage wines that each cost the equivalent to a weeks wages in America.   The free lavish parties seemed like an excuse to show off ones wealth.  The entire town was decked-out as an extravagant smorgasbord of conspicuous consumption. 

We were invited to all the parties that corporate sponsors like Marlboro, Bridgestone/Firestone, Fosters Beer, HSBC-Hong Kong Shanghai Banking Corporation, Gouloises cigarettes, Cano, Bennetton and Shell-Helix had.   The most memorable one was held by TAG-Hauer where they gave all invitees a specially designed for the event, 18-carat gold race-watch in a commemorative engraved onyx display case. 

All of the sponsorship pre-race celebrations were filled with brand-specific souvenirs.  They provided enough loot to fill four additional large suitcases for my trip home.  Gee, I hope that my friends don’t resent that their T-shirts, sweatshirts, hats, sunglasses, socks, umbrellas, beer mugs, fanny packs, lighters, cigars, ashtrays, post-it notes, phone cards, towels, race programs, CD’s, seat cushions, bath robes, leather business folders, sun visors, pen & pencil sets, books, wine decanters, and assorted other gifts have huge logos on them.

Ten of the top twenty-three drivers in this series call Monaco “home”, including Canada’s Jacques Villenueve and Mercedes-McLaren’s David Coulthard.  Race winner Schumacher has a condo here, where he just re-signed for three more years, at $38 million per year, to wear the Ferrari uniform.  This may sound morally bankrupt, but no matter where I went, I was pretty sure that I WAS NOT the richest person in the room. 

Speaking of profit, it turned out to be a fairly profitable trip.   I played a total of about twenty hours.   In that time, I only got to shoot the dice seventeen times due to the extremely crowded conditions.  The dealers were very slow, almost laid-back to avoid any semblance of appearing to care, even with the exorbitant amounts of money in play.  They were genuinely surprised when they got “toked”, and their attitude improved considerably.  It seems that bets made for the dealers are very uncommon, although some players do tip at the end of a session.  It seems that the poor-service attitude from nearby France has been franchised and adopted rather successfully.  From the piano lounge of the Grand Hotel to the tiny little coffee-shop overhanging the Beau Rivage cliffs at the oceans edge, service ranged from great and distinguished to inferior and shabby.   While playing, I tipped at the start of each of my hands, and the reception from the dealers couldn’t have been nicer.  After hitting and pressing their bets for them, all semblance of European staidness dissolved into genuine Vegas “hot-hand” enthusiasm.

Of those shooting opportunities, my best hand was 63 rolls, and my worst hand contained 12 rolls of the dice.  Park Place Entertainment, in a joint effort with Loews Corporation and SBM-Societe Bain du Mers, picked up most of the expenses.  Those included: air-fare from Miami to New York to Paris to Nice, France; helicopter transfer from Nice to Monte Carlo; limousine from the heli-port; deluxe suite accommodation at L’Hermitage Hotel overlooking the Formula One street course near St. Devout Cathedral; plus VIP seating and All-Access Pit Passes for race activities and sponsorship hospitality tents and suites.

My own expenses included the unexpected need for a $1,400 Armani tuxedo, a $300 per day “cheapest-available” canvas-roofed Citroen 2CV Deux-Cheveau (two-cylinder) car rental, and a $1,000 “gift” to a police officer.  My profits AFTER all expenses were approximately $1,200.  Considering the effect that all of the Patterns, Prostitutes Progressions, and Pageantry had, it’s a wonder there is ANY profit left to speak of.

Good Luck & Good Skill at the Tables…and in Life.

 The Mad Professor